Stepping out into the real world after college was a real eye opener. I move up to the Washington D.C. area and don’t know anyone my age. I start looking for a job and it’s quite frustrating. I am living with my grandmother. I end up going with a headhunting agency who lines up the Old Spice interview. The guy who gets me the interview is Bob. Bob is a little nerdy but he’s around my age and we become friends. He had me go on many other interviews but the Old Spice job is the best and I take it. Bob and I go out for a celebratory drink. We stay in touch and end up hanging out together from time to time.
I decide it’s time to move out of grandma’s house and into a place with some girls my age. I look in the paper and see an ad for a townhouse in Old Town Alexandria that needs a roommate. I go and meet the other two women that live there and they seem nice. After talking with them I decide to move in.
Gabrielle owns the townhouse and manages a toy store in D.C. Susan, the other roommate is an accountant and very quiet and low key. Susan has a boyfriend and Gabrielle says she hasn’t been on a date in a year. I now know three people my own age and think I’m off to a good start. Meanwhile I have been having a long distance relationship with Brian, my boyfriend from college. He has moved to Texas and we see each other about once a month. The last time I fly out to see him he asks me to marry him. I accept and we are officially engaged.
The roommates and I seem to get along pretty well. Bob, the headhunter calls me quite a bit and we have some lengthy conversations. Bob and I go out to eat one night and during dinner he tells me that as soon as he saw me it was love at first sight. I tell Bob that is really flattering but he knows I am engaged to Brian. Bob decides to pour out his heart and tells me he told my new boss at Old Spice, “even though Monica is coming to work for you I am going to marry her someday”. I think to myself, “Gosh Bob have you been watching too many chick flicks”. Bob is not my type! Oh I know some of you are thinking, “I thought you said you didn’t have a type in your last blog Monica”. Yes that is true but Bob could never be more than a friend, even if I wasn’t engaged! Bob professes that he won’t give up on convincing me even if that means being my friend “for now”. I feel bad for the guy because he did help me get a good job. So……
I decide to hook up Bob with my roommate Gabrielle! She works very long hours in the toy store and can’t meet anyone there. I tell her about Bob and she says she would like to meet him. I invite Bob over for dinner one night. I make a splendid eggplant parm and have some good Chianti. Susan and her boyfriend are there, along with me, Gabrielle and Bob. It’s a real grownup dinner party! Conversation is flowing and suddenly its apparent Gabrielle likes Bob! Susan and her boyfriend leave us and now it’s just the three of us. I decide to leave the two of them alone and that will be the best way to see if Bob likes Gabrielle. I make some excuse and leave them at the dinner table. The next morning I see Gabrielle and she is so happy. She says that Bob stayed for quite a while and that they really hit it off! I am so happy because I’ve pawned off Bob onto Gabrielle! Yea! Win Win situation! Wrong!
Gabrielle likes Bob a lot but he is still not quite on her team. A week goes by and he hasn’t called her since the night of the dinner party. Gabrielle decides to have a big New Years Eve party and invites Bob. My fiancée, Brian flies in for this and we are having a great time. The party is a rocking and a rolling. It looks like Gabrielle is hanging all over Bob and he is finally starting to warm up to her. Brian and I leave the party in full swing around 2 am. When I get up the next morning I have to take Brian to the airport. I get home after that and who do I see downstairs sitting at our kitchen table eating breakfast in his boxers but BOB! Gabrielle comes waltzing out of the kitchen in some Fredericks of Hollywood teddy and they start kissing. I am happy they like each other but good grief! Talk about putting it on fast forward! Well they are laughing and telling me thank you for introducing them. I say “you’re welcome and that’s great you’ve hit it off”! Bob says, “Oh no Monica it’s much more than that, Gabrielle is my soul mate”. I smile but inside am thinking, “Good grief what a nutcase”.
Up till now the roommates and I have gotten along pretty well. I have lived with girls in college before and it’s kinda comforting to have friends around. It’s nice because you can just be yourself – walk around in your undies, no makeup, hair a mess and eat meals and watch TV together. Gabrielle works a lot so she is not around much. Susan’s boyfriend has his own place and she goes over there a few nights a week. A lot of the time I have the house all to myself. I enjoy that and it’s the best of both worlds.
Well not for long! Shortly after the NY Eve night of romance for Bob and Gabrielle they both start to lose their minds! Bob is at the house every night! I talk to Susan about this and she says Bob has moved his stuff in Gabrielle’s room and is now living in the house! Wait a minute! I did not sign up for this when I moved in with two female roommates or when I decided to play matchmaker! Bob is not paying any rent, utilities, nada. I have stopped buying food because he eats it all. Bob’s stuff is all over the house! I mention all this to Gabrielle and she says, “It’s my house and Bob can do whatever he wants”. There is really no talking to her at this point so I just try and stay out of their way.
I am in sales so I work out of the house. I make phone calls and do all my paperwork here. I am used to Gabrielle and Susan being gone and the house being nice and quiet. Ha! One day I get up and notice that Bob has not left for work. I think he must be sick and don’t say anything. The next day I am home working, come downstairs in my nightgown and see Bob sitting on the couch. Yikes! I run upstairs, throw on some sweats and ask him, “Are you sick?” He tells me he has gotten fired from his job! He is now a permanent fixture in the house and is happily collecting unemployment. The man who made a living finding other people jobs, is not even trying to find a job! When I mention this to him he says, “I don’t have to work Gabrielle makes enough money for both of us”! I try to talk to him and tell him this is not right for him to be living here like this. He says, “Too bad I’m here and it’s Gabrielle’s house”. Bob now sits around all day in his boxers watching soap operas, eating, farting and generally being disgusting. The minute Gabrielle gets home they run upstairs to her bedroom and Barry White starts blasting through the closed door. Who would have known that the guy who helped me get my first job out of college who become the unwanted roommate from hell!
I go out and make my sales calls but it is winter in the D.C. area and a very snowy one this year. One day I venture out on the road and it’s very icy. I get on the Beltway and suddenly I start to slide on the ice and spin around. The next thing you know I am facing the other direction with a big Mack truck coming directly at me. Thank goodness no one else was in the other lane and I manage to move over before it slammed into me. I somehow turn myself around and am shaking. I decide this is not the best day for a girl from Florida to be driving on icy roads and head home. When I get home I discover not only is Bob home during the middle of the day but so is Gabrielle. I say to her, “what are you doing home?” She informs me that she too has gotten fired from her job. Oh my effing God, you’ve got to be kidding me! Now they are both home 24/7 and disgustingly doing their PDA all over the house. They both have gotten fired probably because they have stayed up late every night since he’s moved in drinking and screwing all night long. The trash can has been overflowing with beer and wine bottles. Gabrielle’s liquor cabinet has been quickly depleted. And unfortunately my bedroom was right next to theirs, the walls are thin and Barry and other noises have been quite loud. Bob’s job caught on pretty quickly to the fact that he was consistently late, hung over and not performing (well not at work). Gabrielle being store manager was able to hide the fact a little longer but eventually the owner caught on and fired her.
Gabrielle says its okay she was fired because she and Bob are going to renovate the house. She has gotten a substantial sum as severance and she is going to use it to redo her house. Can you tell where this is going? Bang, bang, crash, crash, “ooh ahhh”, bang, bang, crash, crash at all hours of the night. There is tile ripped up, carpet ripped up and an entire wall decimated.
When Susan gets home from work I tell her we have to talk about what’s going on. She has been spending more and more time at her boyfriend’s house to escape the insanity. She is also unhappy with this extra roommate we have acquired and the fact that they have both lost their minds and their jobs. Not to mention we are now living in a construction zone. Susan and I try to talk to Gabrielle alone about this situation. She tells us, “Anything you say to me, you have to say it in front of Bob”. So we talk to her with him sitting there. We let her know this is not what we signed up for when we agreed to live in the house. We let her know we are not happy he is not paying anything towards staying in the house. We let her know how uncomfortable we are with him here. We let her know that our privacy and peace and quiet is gone, as well as our food! Gabrielle says nothing but Bob starts ranting and raving about his right to be in the house. He really pisses me off when he says, “Monica you are just jealous because I am with Gabrielle”. I swallow a mini throw up and call him a “chicken shit” and other choice phrases. Susan comes and grabs me and says, “Let’s call my brother”. Susan’s brother is a Catholic priest. I say to her, “okay” but am thinking what the heck is a priest going to do in this situation? Say a Hail Mary or two and douse them in holy water? Susan calls him and tells him of our dilemma. Susan’s priest/brother gets in his car, picks us up and takes us to see a Star Wars movie. After that we head out to get ice cream and by now I have calmed down. He tells us we don’t have to continue living in this situation. I find out that in addition to being a priest he is also a lawyer. Oh! Now I start to see the light! He let’s us know Gabrielle has breached her rental agreement with us by having Brian move in. So Susan and I decide to start looking for another place to live.
We are on our quest for a new home and don’t say a word to Gabrielle. We find a nice condo and make plans for our move. Now we have to tell her we are moving out and she is quite irate. She tells we can’t do this and are breaking our agreement. We let her know she broke the agreement by having Bob move in with us. She still keeps saying we can’t move out right now. Susan pulls out her trump card. She says, “My brother told us we could”. Gabrielle does not know the priest is also a lawyer until this moment. We tell her we are moving out this weekend.
The day of the move Gabrielle is screaming at us that we still can’t do this. She runs in my room and takes my telephone. Finally the priest shows up with some of his “brothers”. Other priests who have volunteered to help Susan and I move. We start loading our stuff into the St. Vincent de Paul truck and finally everything is moved except for the stolen phone. I tell Susan’s brother that she has taken my phone. He goes in and asks her for my phone. She looks at him and says, “Here’s her goddamn phone”. He says, “God bless you” and we leave. The priests move us into our new place and her brother buys us all pizza. That night I have my first good night sleep in weeks. Peace and quiet never felt so good.
Friday, July 24, 2009
Monday, July 20, 2009
Boyfriends and Tonsils
Boyfriends and Tonsils
I have had my fair (and unfair) share of boyfriends throughout my life. There are a few that when I look back I wonder why I let them get away. There are many, MANY that I should have gotten away from way sooner.
Many people say they have a “type” of person that they are attracted to. This has never been the case for me. My boyfriend list includes: younger, older, same age, short, tall, and medium height, skinny, chubby, average, athletic and body builder, blonde, brunette, brown haired, redhead, receding hairline and bald. The handsome, so ugly he’s cute, average and the pretty boy boyfriends.
I am a bit like the United Nations of Boyfriends. American, Canadian, Native American Indian, Italian, Irish, Spanish, Scottish, English, African American, Brazilian, French and Israeli to name a few. Catholic, Presbyterian, Christian, Non-Denominational, Jewish, Agnostic, and no religion but Spiritual. My list covers the whole Astrologic chart of boyfriends.
This also includes casual, serious, long term, short term and the on again off again boyfriend. Then there are the ones that I feel I went way past the expiration date. The ones that after we broke up I thought, “what the hell was I thinking”. Like, the bad boy, the mama’s boy, the not available, the way too available, the in the closet, the martyr, the sex addict, drug addict, alcoholic, gambler, workaholic, rageaholic and the scary freaky boyfriends.
Before I ever had my first real boyfriend there were boys I liked and who liked me. I used to chase one boy around in kindergarten and tell him that someday he was going to marry me. I went thru elementary school and the beginning of junior high not really sure if I would ever have a boyfriend. I was very quiet and barely talked to boys. My thinking was “I’ll never have a boyfriend because I’m too shy”. There was one poor soul in 5th grade who asked me to go steady and wear his ID bracelet but he’d already asked most of the girls in my class and they had all turned him down, as did I. Many girls had boyfriends before me and I wasn’t sure if I ever would. Then one day in summer 7th grade Marine Biology camp a boy passes me a note. I read this note and it says, “I like you will you be my girlfriend”. Yikes! I am mortified and embarrassed beyond belief! I am completely freaked out that he liked me and wanted to quit going to camp. My mother made me go back so I ignored him but secretly felt flattered in a strange way.
My first boyfriend, “John”, was also the first boy I ever kissed. I was in 9th grade and he was in 8th but was tall for his age. He was very cute and had braces at the time. He asked me to go to the movies and it was my first real date. We went on a double date (with my friend and her boyfriend) and his parents drove us to the movies. We sit in the back row of the movies and I don’t think this is unusual. The next thing you know the other two are making out like crazy. I think to myself, “Wow this is awkward and I wish they’d stop doing that, they’re distracting me from watching the movie”. All of a sudden the boy I’m with leans over with no warning whatsoever and starts to kiss me. Well I have never kissed a boy in my life and this one starts to French kiss me. I have no clue what to do or what is going on. He also has braces and I think to myself, “what on earth am I supposed to do and how do I maneuver around these braces”. All of a sudden I feel a sharp pain in my jaw (maybe I was opening my mouth too big) and it really, really hurts. Also there is his tongue darting around inside my mouth and tongue and it’s rather unpleasant. What the hell! No one prepared me for this gross maneuver and I mad at my friend for not warning me that we were NOT coming to watch the movie! I’m also disappointed about my first date and kiss. I feel like I was being swallowed up in a sea of tongue, saliva and braces! Ugh! I come up for some air and look over at the other couple. They are still engaged in their major lip lock. The boy starts to kiss me and the pain in my jaw has subsided but I’m thinking to myself, “I will be so glad when this movie is over”.
I dated during high school but didn’t ever have a real boyfriend. When I graduate from high school I go to beach week with some of my friends. I meet nice, hot Italian guy and we end up dating the entire summer. I had wanted to go to FSU but my parents said that financially it would be best for me to stay home and attend community college first. Meeting Mark and hanging out with him over the summer helped me get over my FSU heart break because he was going to be a senior in high school, so we would still be together. I really liked Mark a lot and the more we dated, the more I liked him. My family and I go on vacation that summer and were supposed to be home in time for me and Mark to go to a concert. We ended up getting home late and I missed the concert with Mark. This was before cell phones and I couldn’t even call him and tell him I wasn’t coming. I cried, I sobbed, and I bawled my eyes out the whole trip home. When we got home my mother took me aside and said, “are you in love with him”. I said, between sobs, “I think so”. This freaked my parents out that I was crying so much over a boy. I was spending a lot of time with and clearly was head over heels. Then a few days later I am having breakfast with my family. I am 17 and have a 12 year old sister who on occasion had some verbal squabbles with. On this particular morning she and I are having a big argument over God knows what. The next thing you know I take my glass of orange juice and throw it on her and say, “f-ck you”. There was some cursing that went on in my home but never the “f” bomb. My father sees this lovely exchange and says, “That’s it! I’ve had enough. You’re going to Florida State”. I am stunned and in disbelief. What? Now? Now when I have accepted the community college status and have a fantastic boyfriend! I guess the “f” word pushed my father over the edge plus I do think my parents were not too happy about the “serious boyfriend”. Well I think to myself, “there’s no way I’ll get in NOW” It’s the end of July for crying out loud. All the placements have been made, all the dorms are full and it’s too frigging late! I say this to my dad and he says he “knows” people and will get me in. Now I am so torn, it has been my dream to go to FSU but also I now don’t want to leave Mark. I figure there is no way I will get in at this late date. The next thing you know I am packing to go to FSU. I have to say goodbye to Mark and tell him we will keep in touch. I don’t want to end it with him but know that is inevitable and so does he.
Well now it’s off to FSU and I am living in a really nice off campus dorm. I am a little bit surprised that there are boys on my floor. Right down the hall! Wow! There just so happens to be this very cute surfer boy type, Mike who lives in my dorm. We start dating and how convenient that he lives on my floor! We date my whole freshmen year and into my sophomore year. My sophomore Spring Break comes and Mike drives me home to Tampa and then heads home to Ft. Myers. The plan was he would go visit his family and then come back and spend a day in Tampa and then drive me back to school. When I get home I am so excited to see all my friends from high school and hit the beach! However my parents have other plans! I had been getting strep throat quite a bit since I’ve come to FSU. I have missed a lot of classes because I’ve been so sick. Almost quarterly I have gotten sick with strep. When I arrive home my parents sit me down and say they have to tell me something. My mother asks me, “do you know where you’ll be going tomorrow?” “What is this a trick question” I think. I say, “Yes I am going to the beach with my friends”. My mother says, “Oh no you’re not, you’re going into the hospital and having you’re tonsils taken out!” I am pissed, I am outraged!! How dare they RUIN my spring break by having me have my tonsils out! That is something little kids do, not a grown up 19 year old like me. Does this have something to do with the first boy I ever kissed who tried to suck my tonsils out? I am so mad at them and I yell and scream and cry and say I won’t go. I also extremely mad that they didn’t tell me I was coming home for spring break and going into the hospital! They tricked me and I tell them this. They both say, “if we had told you, you wouldn’t have come home”. Well you got that right! So the next day when all my friends are off frolicking in the surf I am going under the knife. I am not a happy camper OR spring breaker for that matter. This majorly sucks! I have the surgery and my mother tells me it is good they took them out because they were huge and very cheesy looking. Gross! Well now the patient has to come home, rest and eat sherbet and mushy shit for the duration of the break. I call Mike and tell him in a whispery voice (my throat really hurt) not to come up a day early and the reason why. Mike is not very sympathetic to me and says, “that’s good, maybe you won’t get sick so much”. That turned out to be very true.
Mike and I break up and I have two other really good boyfriends in college. I graduate and get engaged. I break off the engagement the month before the wedding. I have now left the safety of college and step out into the real world of dating.
I have had my fair (and unfair) share of boyfriends throughout my life. There are a few that when I look back I wonder why I let them get away. There are many, MANY that I should have gotten away from way sooner.
Many people say they have a “type” of person that they are attracted to. This has never been the case for me. My boyfriend list includes: younger, older, same age, short, tall, and medium height, skinny, chubby, average, athletic and body builder, blonde, brunette, brown haired, redhead, receding hairline and bald. The handsome, so ugly he’s cute, average and the pretty boy boyfriends.
I am a bit like the United Nations of Boyfriends. American, Canadian, Native American Indian, Italian, Irish, Spanish, Scottish, English, African American, Brazilian, French and Israeli to name a few. Catholic, Presbyterian, Christian, Non-Denominational, Jewish, Agnostic, and no religion but Spiritual. My list covers the whole Astrologic chart of boyfriends.
This also includes casual, serious, long term, short term and the on again off again boyfriend. Then there are the ones that I feel I went way past the expiration date. The ones that after we broke up I thought, “what the hell was I thinking”. Like, the bad boy, the mama’s boy, the not available, the way too available, the in the closet, the martyr, the sex addict, drug addict, alcoholic, gambler, workaholic, rageaholic and the scary freaky boyfriends.
Before I ever had my first real boyfriend there were boys I liked and who liked me. I used to chase one boy around in kindergarten and tell him that someday he was going to marry me. I went thru elementary school and the beginning of junior high not really sure if I would ever have a boyfriend. I was very quiet and barely talked to boys. My thinking was “I’ll never have a boyfriend because I’m too shy”. There was one poor soul in 5th grade who asked me to go steady and wear his ID bracelet but he’d already asked most of the girls in my class and they had all turned him down, as did I. Many girls had boyfriends before me and I wasn’t sure if I ever would. Then one day in summer 7th grade Marine Biology camp a boy passes me a note. I read this note and it says, “I like you will you be my girlfriend”. Yikes! I am mortified and embarrassed beyond belief! I am completely freaked out that he liked me and wanted to quit going to camp. My mother made me go back so I ignored him but secretly felt flattered in a strange way.
My first boyfriend, “John”, was also the first boy I ever kissed. I was in 9th grade and he was in 8th but was tall for his age. He was very cute and had braces at the time. He asked me to go to the movies and it was my first real date. We went on a double date (with my friend and her boyfriend) and his parents drove us to the movies. We sit in the back row of the movies and I don’t think this is unusual. The next thing you know the other two are making out like crazy. I think to myself, “Wow this is awkward and I wish they’d stop doing that, they’re distracting me from watching the movie”. All of a sudden the boy I’m with leans over with no warning whatsoever and starts to kiss me. Well I have never kissed a boy in my life and this one starts to French kiss me. I have no clue what to do or what is going on. He also has braces and I think to myself, “what on earth am I supposed to do and how do I maneuver around these braces”. All of a sudden I feel a sharp pain in my jaw (maybe I was opening my mouth too big) and it really, really hurts. Also there is his tongue darting around inside my mouth and tongue and it’s rather unpleasant. What the hell! No one prepared me for this gross maneuver and I mad at my friend for not warning me that we were NOT coming to watch the movie! I’m also disappointed about my first date and kiss. I feel like I was being swallowed up in a sea of tongue, saliva and braces! Ugh! I come up for some air and look over at the other couple. They are still engaged in their major lip lock. The boy starts to kiss me and the pain in my jaw has subsided but I’m thinking to myself, “I will be so glad when this movie is over”.
I dated during high school but didn’t ever have a real boyfriend. When I graduate from high school I go to beach week with some of my friends. I meet nice, hot Italian guy and we end up dating the entire summer. I had wanted to go to FSU but my parents said that financially it would be best for me to stay home and attend community college first. Meeting Mark and hanging out with him over the summer helped me get over my FSU heart break because he was going to be a senior in high school, so we would still be together. I really liked Mark a lot and the more we dated, the more I liked him. My family and I go on vacation that summer and were supposed to be home in time for me and Mark to go to a concert. We ended up getting home late and I missed the concert with Mark. This was before cell phones and I couldn’t even call him and tell him I wasn’t coming. I cried, I sobbed, and I bawled my eyes out the whole trip home. When we got home my mother took me aside and said, “are you in love with him”. I said, between sobs, “I think so”. This freaked my parents out that I was crying so much over a boy. I was spending a lot of time with and clearly was head over heels. Then a few days later I am having breakfast with my family. I am 17 and have a 12 year old sister who on occasion had some verbal squabbles with. On this particular morning she and I are having a big argument over God knows what. The next thing you know I take my glass of orange juice and throw it on her and say, “f-ck you”. There was some cursing that went on in my home but never the “f” bomb. My father sees this lovely exchange and says, “That’s it! I’ve had enough. You’re going to Florida State”. I am stunned and in disbelief. What? Now? Now when I have accepted the community college status and have a fantastic boyfriend! I guess the “f” word pushed my father over the edge plus I do think my parents were not too happy about the “serious boyfriend”. Well I think to myself, “there’s no way I’ll get in NOW” It’s the end of July for crying out loud. All the placements have been made, all the dorms are full and it’s too frigging late! I say this to my dad and he says he “knows” people and will get me in. Now I am so torn, it has been my dream to go to FSU but also I now don’t want to leave Mark. I figure there is no way I will get in at this late date. The next thing you know I am packing to go to FSU. I have to say goodbye to Mark and tell him we will keep in touch. I don’t want to end it with him but know that is inevitable and so does he.
Well now it’s off to FSU and I am living in a really nice off campus dorm. I am a little bit surprised that there are boys on my floor. Right down the hall! Wow! There just so happens to be this very cute surfer boy type, Mike who lives in my dorm. We start dating and how convenient that he lives on my floor! We date my whole freshmen year and into my sophomore year. My sophomore Spring Break comes and Mike drives me home to Tampa and then heads home to Ft. Myers. The plan was he would go visit his family and then come back and spend a day in Tampa and then drive me back to school. When I get home I am so excited to see all my friends from high school and hit the beach! However my parents have other plans! I had been getting strep throat quite a bit since I’ve come to FSU. I have missed a lot of classes because I’ve been so sick. Almost quarterly I have gotten sick with strep. When I arrive home my parents sit me down and say they have to tell me something. My mother asks me, “do you know where you’ll be going tomorrow?” “What is this a trick question” I think. I say, “Yes I am going to the beach with my friends”. My mother says, “Oh no you’re not, you’re going into the hospital and having you’re tonsils taken out!” I am pissed, I am outraged!! How dare they RUIN my spring break by having me have my tonsils out! That is something little kids do, not a grown up 19 year old like me. Does this have something to do with the first boy I ever kissed who tried to suck my tonsils out? I am so mad at them and I yell and scream and cry and say I won’t go. I also extremely mad that they didn’t tell me I was coming home for spring break and going into the hospital! They tricked me and I tell them this. They both say, “if we had told you, you wouldn’t have come home”. Well you got that right! So the next day when all my friends are off frolicking in the surf I am going under the knife. I am not a happy camper OR spring breaker for that matter. This majorly sucks! I have the surgery and my mother tells me it is good they took them out because they were huge and very cheesy looking. Gross! Well now the patient has to come home, rest and eat sherbet and mushy shit for the duration of the break. I call Mike and tell him in a whispery voice (my throat really hurt) not to come up a day early and the reason why. Mike is not very sympathetic to me and says, “that’s good, maybe you won’t get sick so much”. That turned out to be very true.
Mike and I break up and I have two other really good boyfriends in college. I graduate and get engaged. I break off the engagement the month before the wedding. I have now left the safety of college and step out into the real world of dating.
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
ALF & Life in the Corporate Jungle
July 15, 2009
ALF and Life in the Corporate Jungle
When I graduated from FSU I had a Communications Degree with a Minor in Marketing. I had no earthly clue on what I was going to do as a career. I had been a bartender and cocktail waitress but didn’t aspire to that as my career path. I decide to move up to the Washington D.C. (where I was born) area and started working in sales and marketing. I’d just entered the corporate battlefield and had no idea how to navigate this course! I got a good job that gave me a company car and I sold Old Spice products to chain stores and distributors. I was one of the few female sales reps in the country and guess the Old Spice needed some new spice! I was soon promoted to the Virginia Beach area and my territory included that area and a big part of North Carolina. It was a lonely job that entailed working out of my home, lots and lots of driving and having to meet very high quotas! How much Old Spice can you really sell and keep having something interesting to say about it? Today with this recession I think many people would think it was crazy to quit a job that gave you a company car, benefits, good salary and commission. I was very young and not challenged by carting around tons of samples of Old Spice cologne, aftershave and Shaving cream. I started to loathe the smell of Old Spice. Much to the company’s chagrin I quit.
I went to work for Lanier selling Word Processors in the Virginia Beach/Norfolk area. Back then these things were bigger than the first personal computers and only did Word Processing! They sold for between 10 – 20K and the memory and functionality was very limited. I really enjoyed my job and got great responses from these products! At the time people were using typewriters (our kids would probably say, “What’s a typewriter?”). I worked in an office with a Sales Manager and other Sales Reps. I started developing a pretty good reputation in this area and was wooed away by their major competitor at the time, Dictaphone. Dictaphone had a bit more advanced Word Processor and was less expensive, less cumbersome and easier to use and demonstrate. I would load up the very heavy, extra large WP into my car and take it around to various places. Mostly law firms in the area. They loved it and so I quickly soared to 200% of quota. I was on cloud nine! About a year later they called us all in and told us to drive to Richmond, VA for a meeting. We are all thinking this is going to be great – they are going to announce the new products we have been waiting for! We really had no idea what we were in for. When we get there they tell us they were closing down the entire WP division. They said they were doing this because a new product was on the horizon, the “personal computer”. They said they did not have the technology, resources or money to compete in this market. We were told to go back to the office in Virginia Beach and pack up our things. They gave us a severance package and that was the end of my glory days in this arena. I quickly called my boyfriend at the time, got drunk and cried the whole night until I fell asleep on his couch.
Once again I am wondering, "Where do I go from here? “ I call my Dad and he says come home to Tampa. I agree and he flies up to Norfolk and I pick him up in my tiny Ford Escort (all I could afford when I had to give up the Old Spice company car). I have sold all my furniture and my car is packed to the gills. I have said goodbye to all my friends and Dad and I hit the road.
Since this is the advent of the Personal Computer I get a job selling them in a PC store. I then graduated to selling mainframes with another company. How in the heck did I do that with out any real technological skills or knowledge? Oh I relied on the “fake it till you make it” concept of selling. I talked very generally and took people out to lunch and dinners. I talked to them about their families, their hobbies, their secrets, their problems (early therapist training). Once they were hooked I brought in the Tech Manager who could speak their language. However my company could not really compete in this market because our competition’s products were much better and less expensive. I was very good at hooking the prospects interest. But the company failed miserably in delivering the technology my prospects needed at a good price. I somehow find out that no one has sold a new mainframe in our office in five years! The other reps have just been maintaining their accounts and selling add-ons. I’m in a sales job selling something that is truly pretty much a lost cause. I did not want to be a quitter again so I really tried in this job. I went to classes to learn more about the dinosaur mainframes to see if they had any redeeming features I could sell. I went to Dale Carnegie classes hoping to improve my influencing people skills. I finally get us on the list to respond to government requests for proposals. And….one day it looks like we are going to close the first new mainframe sale in our office in over 5 years. We do an awesome presentation as a team and I think we nailed it. After making us wait hours, we finally get the results. We are crushed again by the competition. Oh shit!! I had really hoped we would close this sale. This isn’t a bad company to work for but what makes it bad is the lack of hope. I decide to get out while the getting was good. I really don’t want to stick around on a sinking ship.
Somehow (with the help of my father getting me an interview) I land a great job! A job I truly love! I go to work for a brand new computer consulting company. They have a special niche in the Industry and their services are in demand. I will be their one and only Sales & Marketing representative. I have a great boss, Rick who is the VP of Marketing. He says I’m not your boss, we’re equals. He treats me with the utmost respect and we get along great. Wow! This is my dream job and I get to travel all over the country calling on other companies. Most of the time I travel by myself but on potentially really big deals, Rick comes with me.
One time Rick and I travel to Baltimore for a meeting and it’s a very cold wintery day. When we come out it is snowing like mad. And we need a cab but there are no cabs to be found! We call up to the CEO of the company we had just met with and tell him of our dilemma. He sends his personal limo out to us to give us a ride. We are so happy to have transport and get in the limo. There are only a few other cars on the road because it is snowing very hard. All of a sudden a car on the snowy, icy road loses control and smashes into the limo. “Oh crap” I think, we just got in an accident with the nice CEO’s limo! There goes that sale! Once this is all sorted out between the two drivers we realize the airport is closed. We had just flown in for the day and will have to stay overnight in a hotel. The limo driver drops us off at the nearest hotel. We get to a hotel and thank goodness they have two rooms. Rick goes and puts his stuff in his room and then comes and knocks on my door. I come out into the hallway to talk to him about meeting for dinner later. As I turn back around to go into my room I realize I have locked myself out of my room! I get back into my room and decide to take a shower before we meet for dinner. I get into the bathroom and am ready to relax, after such a crazy day. I open the box that holds the bar of soap and Yikes! It’s got someone else’s pubic hair all over it! Ewwww! I fling it out of the shower and take a soapless shower. I call Rick and he says come to the bar where he is waiting. When I get there he is smiling really big. I ask him what he’s smiling about. Apparently he’s been in the bar talking to other snowed in businessmen (all men no women). Some of the men have been really bashing women in the work force. He said he kept smiling because he knew I would be showing up soon and was looking forward to seeing the looks on their faces when I did.
Rick was the coolest boss ever and very ethical and fair. He was also very respectful of me and my position. Unfortunately he didn’t fit in with the good old boy network that was the rest of the upper level management hierarchy in this company. I’m not sure what went down with Rick and the two other VP’s and president of our company but they fired him! I had relied Rick for direction and support and now he’s gone. Prior to Rick coming to work with this company he had left a company he’d been with for 20 years to become our VP of Marketing. Rick ends up suing the good old boy’s for breach of contract.
The day I am notified of Rick’s departure, the two other VP’s and president bring me into the office. They tell me even though Rick is gone and that I will report to all of them until they get his replacement. As much as I miss Rick I still love my job. I am traveling almost every week and seeing new things and meeting with interesting people. Sometimes I stay over for the weekend and visit family and friends all over the country. I keep working and traveling until one day I am in the office and am told to go to the conference room for a meeting. I walk into the conference room and there is a man I have never seen before. He looks exactly like ALF! I think to myself who is this strange looking person? He is a friend of the president’s and is going to be working with me. They tell me to train him and teach him the business. This guy, who I am going to call ALF, starts making very crude comments right away and smells like Old Spice. “Ugh, I am thinking. I have to travel with this creature”. He constantly makes references to my “rack” and tells really rude sexual jokes. He is an embarrassment on the calls and deals I am working on. He was hired because he is the president’s friend, can play golf and lost his last job for sexual harassment. Alrighty then! This guy is so gross! I continue to take him with me and show him the ropes. Then the fateful day comes that we are both brought into the president’s office. I don’t like the look on ALF’s face. What is going on?? He is practically drooling and panting. I am then told, ALF “is now the new VP of Marketing”. WTF! The misogynist, the guy I just trained and taught the business, is now my boss! I was pretty naïve and should have seen it coming but didn’t. After I get over the shock, I decide to make the most of things and figure they can’t get any worse.
Hah! Once he was officially the “boss” of me things really went downhill. Now I am even more fair game for every lewd, rude and disgusting joke and comment!! The job I had loved now turns into the job I ran into the bathroom and either cried or was sick over. I tried talking to the other upper management guys about ALF and how difficult it was working with him. I told them specifically the off color jokes, sexual references and disgusting comments he constantly made to me. I was told to deal with it and laugh it off. I tried ignoring ALF, interrupting him when he started in and just dealing with it. That was very hard to do. As I was walking by one day he points at me and says very loudly to another VP, “I guess we’re not supposed to grab the employee’s breasts” and they both start laughing. I think if he would have laid a hand on me I would have kicked him, “you know where”. I’ve been instructed to laugh it off so I look at him, shake my head and say “too much time at the strip bars”. I go in again and talk to upper management and they say, “Well if you don’t like it you can always leave”! I call Rick (the old VP of Marketing) and ask him what he thinks I should do. I know he had sued them for breach of contract and won. Rick gave me the name of his attorney and I go talk to him. The attorney writes my company a letter saying this type of behavior on ALF’s part need to cease and desist or else!
They were not happy when they got the letter. I was brought into ALF’s office and asked about an upcoming Sales trip I was making by myself. He asks for my itinerary and agenda for this trip. Then he lets me know I am not going on this trip, he is! I then have to give ALF all my files, contacts and everything pertaining to my job. I am told I am no longer allowed to travel or call on my accounts. They take away everything for me to work on but do not fire me! I still have a job and go to work everyday with absolutely nothing to do. I sit and read, make personal phone calls and am shut out completely. Truly the lonely little tulip in the stinky corporate onion patch! Then after a few weeks, someone decides I should do something (since they are paying me). They give me a very challenging marketing project that is beyond my capabilities of doing. They want me to fail so they can have some credibility for firing me. I call Rick when I get home and he explains it to me and talks me through it. He helped me do something that far exceeded my experience level. I shock the heck out of them and turn in the project. This project nets more business and pea brained ALF takes all the credit. No one says a word to me after I complete the project and I am back to sitting at my desk with nothing to do. I go into the president’s office and try to talk to him. Each time he tells me I can leave at any time. But still they don’t fire me. This went on for weeks. I was paid pretty good money to do absolutely nothing. I know they don’t want to fire me because of the repercussions they had when they fired Rick.
During this time one of my contacts at an account calls me. They tell me a company in NJ asked if they knew someone to recommend for computer consulting marketing. They give me the company’s number and tell me to call them. I call and this company and they want to put me on the first plane to NJ for an interview. I call in sick the next day and fly up to NJ. The interview goes well and I am pretty assured the job is mine.
I want to move on from this no responsibility job. But move from Florida to New Jersey? The company in NJ is making me a great offer and the timing is good. I get up my courage and go into the president’s office. I tell him once again this is ridiculous for me to be just sitting around everyday with nothing to do. I said I know they were hoping I’d quit but I won’t. I know they are afraid to fire me because they do not have cause. Somewhere I got the courage to really stand up for myself. They are finally open to negotiating a parting settlement with me. I take it to my attorney to work out the details. I call the company in NJ and tell them I’ll talk to them again. I feel so relieved to be free from ALF’s crap and I take the job in Jersey. I figured if I could endure ALF I can surely handle New Jersey.
ALF and Life in the Corporate Jungle
When I graduated from FSU I had a Communications Degree with a Minor in Marketing. I had no earthly clue on what I was going to do as a career. I had been a bartender and cocktail waitress but didn’t aspire to that as my career path. I decide to move up to the Washington D.C. (where I was born) area and started working in sales and marketing. I’d just entered the corporate battlefield and had no idea how to navigate this course! I got a good job that gave me a company car and I sold Old Spice products to chain stores and distributors. I was one of the few female sales reps in the country and guess the Old Spice needed some new spice! I was soon promoted to the Virginia Beach area and my territory included that area and a big part of North Carolina. It was a lonely job that entailed working out of my home, lots and lots of driving and having to meet very high quotas! How much Old Spice can you really sell and keep having something interesting to say about it? Today with this recession I think many people would think it was crazy to quit a job that gave you a company car, benefits, good salary and commission. I was very young and not challenged by carting around tons of samples of Old Spice cologne, aftershave and Shaving cream. I started to loathe the smell of Old Spice. Much to the company’s chagrin I quit.
I went to work for Lanier selling Word Processors in the Virginia Beach/Norfolk area. Back then these things were bigger than the first personal computers and only did Word Processing! They sold for between 10 – 20K and the memory and functionality was very limited. I really enjoyed my job and got great responses from these products! At the time people were using typewriters (our kids would probably say, “What’s a typewriter?”). I worked in an office with a Sales Manager and other Sales Reps. I started developing a pretty good reputation in this area and was wooed away by their major competitor at the time, Dictaphone. Dictaphone had a bit more advanced Word Processor and was less expensive, less cumbersome and easier to use and demonstrate. I would load up the very heavy, extra large WP into my car and take it around to various places. Mostly law firms in the area. They loved it and so I quickly soared to 200% of quota. I was on cloud nine! About a year later they called us all in and told us to drive to Richmond, VA for a meeting. We are all thinking this is going to be great – they are going to announce the new products we have been waiting for! We really had no idea what we were in for. When we get there they tell us they were closing down the entire WP division. They said they were doing this because a new product was on the horizon, the “personal computer”. They said they did not have the technology, resources or money to compete in this market. We were told to go back to the office in Virginia Beach and pack up our things. They gave us a severance package and that was the end of my glory days in this arena. I quickly called my boyfriend at the time, got drunk and cried the whole night until I fell asleep on his couch.
Once again I am wondering, "Where do I go from here? “ I call my Dad and he says come home to Tampa. I agree and he flies up to Norfolk and I pick him up in my tiny Ford Escort (all I could afford when I had to give up the Old Spice company car). I have sold all my furniture and my car is packed to the gills. I have said goodbye to all my friends and Dad and I hit the road.
Since this is the advent of the Personal Computer I get a job selling them in a PC store. I then graduated to selling mainframes with another company. How in the heck did I do that with out any real technological skills or knowledge? Oh I relied on the “fake it till you make it” concept of selling. I talked very generally and took people out to lunch and dinners. I talked to them about their families, their hobbies, their secrets, their problems (early therapist training). Once they were hooked I brought in the Tech Manager who could speak their language. However my company could not really compete in this market because our competition’s products were much better and less expensive. I was very good at hooking the prospects interest. But the company failed miserably in delivering the technology my prospects needed at a good price. I somehow find out that no one has sold a new mainframe in our office in five years! The other reps have just been maintaining their accounts and selling add-ons. I’m in a sales job selling something that is truly pretty much a lost cause. I did not want to be a quitter again so I really tried in this job. I went to classes to learn more about the dinosaur mainframes to see if they had any redeeming features I could sell. I went to Dale Carnegie classes hoping to improve my influencing people skills. I finally get us on the list to respond to government requests for proposals. And….one day it looks like we are going to close the first new mainframe sale in our office in over 5 years. We do an awesome presentation as a team and I think we nailed it. After making us wait hours, we finally get the results. We are crushed again by the competition. Oh shit!! I had really hoped we would close this sale. This isn’t a bad company to work for but what makes it bad is the lack of hope. I decide to get out while the getting was good. I really don’t want to stick around on a sinking ship.
Somehow (with the help of my father getting me an interview) I land a great job! A job I truly love! I go to work for a brand new computer consulting company. They have a special niche in the Industry and their services are in demand. I will be their one and only Sales & Marketing representative. I have a great boss, Rick who is the VP of Marketing. He says I’m not your boss, we’re equals. He treats me with the utmost respect and we get along great. Wow! This is my dream job and I get to travel all over the country calling on other companies. Most of the time I travel by myself but on potentially really big deals, Rick comes with me.
One time Rick and I travel to Baltimore for a meeting and it’s a very cold wintery day. When we come out it is snowing like mad. And we need a cab but there are no cabs to be found! We call up to the CEO of the company we had just met with and tell him of our dilemma. He sends his personal limo out to us to give us a ride. We are so happy to have transport and get in the limo. There are only a few other cars on the road because it is snowing very hard. All of a sudden a car on the snowy, icy road loses control and smashes into the limo. “Oh crap” I think, we just got in an accident with the nice CEO’s limo! There goes that sale! Once this is all sorted out between the two drivers we realize the airport is closed. We had just flown in for the day and will have to stay overnight in a hotel. The limo driver drops us off at the nearest hotel. We get to a hotel and thank goodness they have two rooms. Rick goes and puts his stuff in his room and then comes and knocks on my door. I come out into the hallway to talk to him about meeting for dinner later. As I turn back around to go into my room I realize I have locked myself out of my room! I get back into my room and decide to take a shower before we meet for dinner. I get into the bathroom and am ready to relax, after such a crazy day. I open the box that holds the bar of soap and Yikes! It’s got someone else’s pubic hair all over it! Ewwww! I fling it out of the shower and take a soapless shower. I call Rick and he says come to the bar where he is waiting. When I get there he is smiling really big. I ask him what he’s smiling about. Apparently he’s been in the bar talking to other snowed in businessmen (all men no women). Some of the men have been really bashing women in the work force. He said he kept smiling because he knew I would be showing up soon and was looking forward to seeing the looks on their faces when I did.
Rick was the coolest boss ever and very ethical and fair. He was also very respectful of me and my position. Unfortunately he didn’t fit in with the good old boy network that was the rest of the upper level management hierarchy in this company. I’m not sure what went down with Rick and the two other VP’s and president of our company but they fired him! I had relied Rick for direction and support and now he’s gone. Prior to Rick coming to work with this company he had left a company he’d been with for 20 years to become our VP of Marketing. Rick ends up suing the good old boy’s for breach of contract.
The day I am notified of Rick’s departure, the two other VP’s and president bring me into the office. They tell me even though Rick is gone and that I will report to all of them until they get his replacement. As much as I miss Rick I still love my job. I am traveling almost every week and seeing new things and meeting with interesting people. Sometimes I stay over for the weekend and visit family and friends all over the country. I keep working and traveling until one day I am in the office and am told to go to the conference room for a meeting. I walk into the conference room and there is a man I have never seen before. He looks exactly like ALF! I think to myself who is this strange looking person? He is a friend of the president’s and is going to be working with me. They tell me to train him and teach him the business. This guy, who I am going to call ALF, starts making very crude comments right away and smells like Old Spice. “Ugh, I am thinking. I have to travel with this creature”. He constantly makes references to my “rack” and tells really rude sexual jokes. He is an embarrassment on the calls and deals I am working on. He was hired because he is the president’s friend, can play golf and lost his last job for sexual harassment. Alrighty then! This guy is so gross! I continue to take him with me and show him the ropes. Then the fateful day comes that we are both brought into the president’s office. I don’t like the look on ALF’s face. What is going on?? He is practically drooling and panting. I am then told, ALF “is now the new VP of Marketing”. WTF! The misogynist, the guy I just trained and taught the business, is now my boss! I was pretty naïve and should have seen it coming but didn’t. After I get over the shock, I decide to make the most of things and figure they can’t get any worse.
Hah! Once he was officially the “boss” of me things really went downhill. Now I am even more fair game for every lewd, rude and disgusting joke and comment!! The job I had loved now turns into the job I ran into the bathroom and either cried or was sick over. I tried talking to the other upper management guys about ALF and how difficult it was working with him. I told them specifically the off color jokes, sexual references and disgusting comments he constantly made to me. I was told to deal with it and laugh it off. I tried ignoring ALF, interrupting him when he started in and just dealing with it. That was very hard to do. As I was walking by one day he points at me and says very loudly to another VP, “I guess we’re not supposed to grab the employee’s breasts” and they both start laughing. I think if he would have laid a hand on me I would have kicked him, “you know where”. I’ve been instructed to laugh it off so I look at him, shake my head and say “too much time at the strip bars”. I go in again and talk to upper management and they say, “Well if you don’t like it you can always leave”! I call Rick (the old VP of Marketing) and ask him what he thinks I should do. I know he had sued them for breach of contract and won. Rick gave me the name of his attorney and I go talk to him. The attorney writes my company a letter saying this type of behavior on ALF’s part need to cease and desist or else!
They were not happy when they got the letter. I was brought into ALF’s office and asked about an upcoming Sales trip I was making by myself. He asks for my itinerary and agenda for this trip. Then he lets me know I am not going on this trip, he is! I then have to give ALF all my files, contacts and everything pertaining to my job. I am told I am no longer allowed to travel or call on my accounts. They take away everything for me to work on but do not fire me! I still have a job and go to work everyday with absolutely nothing to do. I sit and read, make personal phone calls and am shut out completely. Truly the lonely little tulip in the stinky corporate onion patch! Then after a few weeks, someone decides I should do something (since they are paying me). They give me a very challenging marketing project that is beyond my capabilities of doing. They want me to fail so they can have some credibility for firing me. I call Rick when I get home and he explains it to me and talks me through it. He helped me do something that far exceeded my experience level. I shock the heck out of them and turn in the project. This project nets more business and pea brained ALF takes all the credit. No one says a word to me after I complete the project and I am back to sitting at my desk with nothing to do. I go into the president’s office and try to talk to him. Each time he tells me I can leave at any time. But still they don’t fire me. This went on for weeks. I was paid pretty good money to do absolutely nothing. I know they don’t want to fire me because of the repercussions they had when they fired Rick.
During this time one of my contacts at an account calls me. They tell me a company in NJ asked if they knew someone to recommend for computer consulting marketing. They give me the company’s number and tell me to call them. I call and this company and they want to put me on the first plane to NJ for an interview. I call in sick the next day and fly up to NJ. The interview goes well and I am pretty assured the job is mine.
I want to move on from this no responsibility job. But move from Florida to New Jersey? The company in NJ is making me a great offer and the timing is good. I get up my courage and go into the president’s office. I tell him once again this is ridiculous for me to be just sitting around everyday with nothing to do. I said I know they were hoping I’d quit but I won’t. I know they are afraid to fire me because they do not have cause. Somewhere I got the courage to really stand up for myself. They are finally open to negotiating a parting settlement with me. I take it to my attorney to work out the details. I call the company in NJ and tell them I’ll talk to them again. I feel so relieved to be free from ALF’s crap and I take the job in Jersey. I figured if I could endure ALF I can surely handle New Jersey.
Friday, July 3, 2009
"THE BAND"
July 3, 2009
“THE BAND”
Band was a big part of my growing up experience. I started at in junior high and somehow ended up playing the French horn. Back then girls didn’t play that instrument (today it is predominately played by females). So I like to think of myself a pioneer in that instrumental area (lol). Band was pretty uneventful in junior high. Little did I know what I was in for as a member of the Plant High School Band!
We had to attend Band Camp and that is where I met, John Turner. When school started we had Marching band Practice daily. We were also a very unique type of Band. While everyone else was playing John Phillips Sousa Marches we were playing, Shaft, the Rolling Stones “Satisfaction” and many more funky and current tunes. When we left the field at the end of our half time show we played either “O Happy Day” or “When the Saints come Marching In”. We were awesome, thanks to the fierce and tireless direction of Mr. T! He was scary and could just look at you and invoke total silence. During one of the first weeks of band practice my sophomore year, I was walking in from band practice. I did not realize that most of the band members were already in the Band room. I’m innocently walking along when, Boom…someone grabs one of my arms and someone else grabs the other arm and then simultaneously my breasts are grabbed (by Frank B. and Richard V.) and they go “Honk, Honk”. Well I am mortified and stunned beyond belief! I run to my friend Kelly and report this distressing event. She is equally upset and insists I must tell Mr. Turner. I look around the Band room and what do I see and hear? News of this incident is spreading fast and someone I had a crush on is laughing about it! Well now I’m even more upset and pretty pissed off! I find out that Frank and Richard were trying out for a “Service” club (Interact I think –what a way to “interact” mind you) and this was their initiation challenge. Go up to a girl with big boobies and honk them and I was their very special girl of choice! The next day Kelly and I go to Steak and Shake before practice and have our comfort food of French fries dipped in Brownie Fudge Sundae. Over our comfort food I plan out what I am going to say to Mr. T. Before practice I go into his office and tell him I want to talk to him. I am so embarrassed and all I manage to tell him is who the culprits are and that they “did something to the upper part of my body”. He is not very happy about this and tells me he will take care of it. We have a big half time show coming up that everyone is very excited about. He tells my two sexual harassers that they will not be marching in this upcoming game. That was the ultimate punishment – we all loved performing in those shows and not being able to march was a crushing blow. I really don’t think they thought I would tell on them. This news does not go over well with the two perpetrators and hits the band grapevine quickly! That night after the game most of us went to Shakey’s pizza. I am there hanging out with some friends when all of a sudden I am surrounded by a group of guys who start calling me “prude” and “goody-goody”. When I get home that night my mother takes one look at me and says, “You don’t look good”. I tell her I don’t feel well and turns out I have a raging fever! I think the whole event and aftermath literally made me sick!
A few years ago there was a PHS Band Reunion/Mr. Turner retirement party and I got up and gave a short speech about Mr. T and the band. During my speech I profusely thanked Mr. Turner for giving me a safe haven in more ways than one. During my sentimental speech I told the story about getting honked. It got a good laugh and turns out Frank B. was there! Vengeance was finally mine and Frank even apologized but wasn’t too happy I called him out in front of the whole group.
Mr. Turner was an absolute genius with his choreography of our halftime shows. Many people came to the football games to watch them and we usually got standing ovations. Yes we were “Band Nerds” but we were some of the coolest ones around. Mr. T. would stand out on the field with a megaphone yelling at us if we missed a step. Nowadays Bands just do one halftime show but we did a different show every week! I have no idea how he got a bunch of klutzes and uncoordinated misfits to perform these intricate extravaganzas but he did. He was like one of those drill sergeants in the Military. It did not matter what the weather was like, we practiced in the extreme heat, while it was raining and pretty late into the evening. All the while yelling at various band members. I can still hear the sweet refrain of “Gallagly….get back in line”. At this time the “bump” was very popular. Mr. T. tells us he is going to incorporate that into our latest show. Then he tells us who our bump partner is going to be. Ugh….I don’t really want to bump with any of my fellow French Hornyans! I remember thinking to myself, “oh my God…..let it at least be Tony” (the least unsavory of the bunch). Well God didn’t listen and I got paired to bump with Diego. His butt was probably at least twice my size of mind and he on at least one occasion would bump me so hard that I fell over. Along with the bumping Mr. T had us all sing out “Party” and “I can’t get no Satisfaction”! Of course this was a big hit and the crowds went wild.
We would go to various Marching Band contests in the area. Mr. T took these very seriously and I know worked very hard to make sure our shows were perfect. He would videotape our shows and we would watch them the next day to see what areas needed work. I remember going to a particular contest and expectations were high. We were all convinced we were going to come home with Straight Superiors. We got out there played and marched our hearts out and once again the crowd loved us. Well unfortunately the tight ass judges did not. We did not fit the norm, although our band was predominately white, Mr. Turner was black and graduated from one of the best Marching Band Colleges around – FAMU (if you have never seen one of their shows I highly recommend it). We did not meet their narrow minded ideals of what they wanted to see or hear. We did not play the frigging Star Spangled banner and stand there like a bunch of Plant City hicks! After receiving our unfair and crappy scores we boarded the buses. We were all so upset and many were crying. It was one of the first instances of blatant prejudice that many of had ever experienced.
I look back now and think how tough it must have been for Mr. T. Sometimes he did have a temper and could scare the shit of you with his silent stare….. However the show must go on and it did! Our Rebel Band leader kept the shows coming year after year.
As I mentioned before he would tape the shows (had one of the first VCR’s back then) not only to critique us but to also help him with his choreography. My Senior year I had the esteemed honor of being president of the Band Honor Society (the only “honor” anything I ever achieved in high school). We helped raise additional money for the band. One of the things we did was clean up the stadium after JV football games. One night we are all out there picking up the trash in the stadium, when suddenly I look around and see that a large number of the guys are not out there cleaning up with us. I look around and realize it is mostly girls (except for Ken Jones) out there with me cleaning up the crap!! I am pretty mad because where did the boys go? I go into the band room to investigate, thinking “they better not be drinking in the band room” and No they weren’t. One of the members of our Honor Society (who shall remain anonymous but initials are CS) is showing a porno on Mr. T’s VHS machine!!! Needless to say that private viewing broke up pretty quickly. The prude did not tell on this porno watching group or its ring leader. Instead it was great blackmail to get them to clean up all the future JV games, while the girls (and Ken Jones) went to Steak and Shake!
Speaking of nudity….as you know this was the era of the Streak. One year the band is playing on the football field during a graduation ceremony. The stadium is packed with families when all of a sudden a streaker runs across the football field. Holy Cow! The streaker is a trumpet player and track star, Dean H.
Cannabis usage was quite rampant in High School. The prude did not partake, although there was quite a lot of peer pressure to do so. Back then I think I had a crush on almost every drummer in the band (not all at the same time mind you – a different one every week or so). Almost all of them (at least the ones I liked) were cannabis partakers. Only goes to show you that the goody-goody would like the drummer “bad boys”! One particular week I had a very big crush on a cute drummer named Carl. He had long, blonde hair and I think this crush lasted a little longer than most. One night after a game Carl asks if I need a ride home. This would be our first official date ( if you call a ride home a date but it was to me at the time). Carl does not have a car so we catch a ride with two other long haired, hippie freak, pot smoking band members. I’m just so happy to be riding in the back seat with Carl that who cares if they stop the car and are smoking a joint. Then we ride a little further and the car is pulled over again and more wacky tobacky is partook (by them not me). Still I do not care because now Carl is holding my hand. Hurray the cute guy I have been staring at for months is finally holding my hand. Everyone is laughing and talking and having a good time. Now that I think of it the windows in the car were shut and I was probably getting high off the second hand smoke!! It starts to get late and our driver starts up the car again but also decides to light up another doobie. We are riding along and all of a sudden we hear the siren and see the lights flashing behind us. We are being pulled over by the popo! I remember thinking, “Oh my God we’re going to jail and my parents are going to kill me”! Our driver and supplier of the weed pulls over. Instead of rolling the window down and having all the smoke and the undeniable smell come wafting out, he calmly gets out of the car and shuts the door. The three of us in the car are freaking out, especially me. I am making a lot of deals with God at this point. God if you get us out of this I promise to never be mean to my sister again. God if you get us out of this I promise never to get in the car with a bunch of guys smoking pot ever again. God if you get us out of this I promise to never go out with Carl again. On and on my promises go and finally our driver gets back in the car. Someway, somehow God was listening or else it was just sheer good luck but our driver KNEW the cop. He had dated the driver’s sister in the past. The police officer said he stopped us because there was a report of some kids in the area driving by throwing rocks. He let us go!!! The prude was so overjoyed that she let Carl walk her to her door and kiss her. It was one of the best and scariest nights of her life.
“THE BAND”
Band was a big part of my growing up experience. I started at in junior high and somehow ended up playing the French horn. Back then girls didn’t play that instrument (today it is predominately played by females). So I like to think of myself a pioneer in that instrumental area (lol). Band was pretty uneventful in junior high. Little did I know what I was in for as a member of the Plant High School Band!
We had to attend Band Camp and that is where I met, John Turner. When school started we had Marching band Practice daily. We were also a very unique type of Band. While everyone else was playing John Phillips Sousa Marches we were playing, Shaft, the Rolling Stones “Satisfaction” and many more funky and current tunes. When we left the field at the end of our half time show we played either “O Happy Day” or “When the Saints come Marching In”. We were awesome, thanks to the fierce and tireless direction of Mr. T! He was scary and could just look at you and invoke total silence. During one of the first weeks of band practice my sophomore year, I was walking in from band practice. I did not realize that most of the band members were already in the Band room. I’m innocently walking along when, Boom…someone grabs one of my arms and someone else grabs the other arm and then simultaneously my breasts are grabbed (by Frank B. and Richard V.) and they go “Honk, Honk”. Well I am mortified and stunned beyond belief! I run to my friend Kelly and report this distressing event. She is equally upset and insists I must tell Mr. Turner. I look around the Band room and what do I see and hear? News of this incident is spreading fast and someone I had a crush on is laughing about it! Well now I’m even more upset and pretty pissed off! I find out that Frank and Richard were trying out for a “Service” club (Interact I think –what a way to “interact” mind you) and this was their initiation challenge. Go up to a girl with big boobies and honk them and I was their very special girl of choice! The next day Kelly and I go to Steak and Shake before practice and have our comfort food of French fries dipped in Brownie Fudge Sundae. Over our comfort food I plan out what I am going to say to Mr. T. Before practice I go into his office and tell him I want to talk to him. I am so embarrassed and all I manage to tell him is who the culprits are and that they “did something to the upper part of my body”. He is not very happy about this and tells me he will take care of it. We have a big half time show coming up that everyone is very excited about. He tells my two sexual harassers that they will not be marching in this upcoming game. That was the ultimate punishment – we all loved performing in those shows and not being able to march was a crushing blow. I really don’t think they thought I would tell on them. This news does not go over well with the two perpetrators and hits the band grapevine quickly! That night after the game most of us went to Shakey’s pizza. I am there hanging out with some friends when all of a sudden I am surrounded by a group of guys who start calling me “prude” and “goody-goody”. When I get home that night my mother takes one look at me and says, “You don’t look good”. I tell her I don’t feel well and turns out I have a raging fever! I think the whole event and aftermath literally made me sick!
A few years ago there was a PHS Band Reunion/Mr. Turner retirement party and I got up and gave a short speech about Mr. T and the band. During my speech I profusely thanked Mr. Turner for giving me a safe haven in more ways than one. During my sentimental speech I told the story about getting honked. It got a good laugh and turns out Frank B. was there! Vengeance was finally mine and Frank even apologized but wasn’t too happy I called him out in front of the whole group.
Mr. Turner was an absolute genius with his choreography of our halftime shows. Many people came to the football games to watch them and we usually got standing ovations. Yes we were “Band Nerds” but we were some of the coolest ones around. Mr. T. would stand out on the field with a megaphone yelling at us if we missed a step. Nowadays Bands just do one halftime show but we did a different show every week! I have no idea how he got a bunch of klutzes and uncoordinated misfits to perform these intricate extravaganzas but he did. He was like one of those drill sergeants in the Military. It did not matter what the weather was like, we practiced in the extreme heat, while it was raining and pretty late into the evening. All the while yelling at various band members. I can still hear the sweet refrain of “Gallagly….get back in line”. At this time the “bump” was very popular. Mr. T. tells us he is going to incorporate that into our latest show. Then he tells us who our bump partner is going to be. Ugh….I don’t really want to bump with any of my fellow French Hornyans! I remember thinking to myself, “oh my God…..let it at least be Tony” (the least unsavory of the bunch). Well God didn’t listen and I got paired to bump with Diego. His butt was probably at least twice my size of mind and he on at least one occasion would bump me so hard that I fell over. Along with the bumping Mr. T had us all sing out “Party” and “I can’t get no Satisfaction”! Of course this was a big hit and the crowds went wild.
We would go to various Marching Band contests in the area. Mr. T took these very seriously and I know worked very hard to make sure our shows were perfect. He would videotape our shows and we would watch them the next day to see what areas needed work. I remember going to a particular contest and expectations were high. We were all convinced we were going to come home with Straight Superiors. We got out there played and marched our hearts out and once again the crowd loved us. Well unfortunately the tight ass judges did not. We did not fit the norm, although our band was predominately white, Mr. Turner was black and graduated from one of the best Marching Band Colleges around – FAMU (if you have never seen one of their shows I highly recommend it). We did not meet their narrow minded ideals of what they wanted to see or hear. We did not play the frigging Star Spangled banner and stand there like a bunch of Plant City hicks! After receiving our unfair and crappy scores we boarded the buses. We were all so upset and many were crying. It was one of the first instances of blatant prejudice that many of had ever experienced.
I look back now and think how tough it must have been for Mr. T. Sometimes he did have a temper and could scare the shit of you with his silent stare….. However the show must go on and it did! Our Rebel Band leader kept the shows coming year after year.
As I mentioned before he would tape the shows (had one of the first VCR’s back then) not only to critique us but to also help him with his choreography. My Senior year I had the esteemed honor of being president of the Band Honor Society (the only “honor” anything I ever achieved in high school). We helped raise additional money for the band. One of the things we did was clean up the stadium after JV football games. One night we are all out there picking up the trash in the stadium, when suddenly I look around and see that a large number of the guys are not out there cleaning up with us. I look around and realize it is mostly girls (except for Ken Jones) out there with me cleaning up the crap!! I am pretty mad because where did the boys go? I go into the band room to investigate, thinking “they better not be drinking in the band room” and No they weren’t. One of the members of our Honor Society (who shall remain anonymous but initials are CS) is showing a porno on Mr. T’s VHS machine!!! Needless to say that private viewing broke up pretty quickly. The prude did not tell on this porno watching group or its ring leader. Instead it was great blackmail to get them to clean up all the future JV games, while the girls (and Ken Jones) went to Steak and Shake!
Speaking of nudity….as you know this was the era of the Streak. One year the band is playing on the football field during a graduation ceremony. The stadium is packed with families when all of a sudden a streaker runs across the football field. Holy Cow! The streaker is a trumpet player and track star, Dean H.
Cannabis usage was quite rampant in High School. The prude did not partake, although there was quite a lot of peer pressure to do so. Back then I think I had a crush on almost every drummer in the band (not all at the same time mind you – a different one every week or so). Almost all of them (at least the ones I liked) were cannabis partakers. Only goes to show you that the goody-goody would like the drummer “bad boys”! One particular week I had a very big crush on a cute drummer named Carl. He had long, blonde hair and I think this crush lasted a little longer than most. One night after a game Carl asks if I need a ride home. This would be our first official date ( if you call a ride home a date but it was to me at the time). Carl does not have a car so we catch a ride with two other long haired, hippie freak, pot smoking band members. I’m just so happy to be riding in the back seat with Carl that who cares if they stop the car and are smoking a joint. Then we ride a little further and the car is pulled over again and more wacky tobacky is partook (by them not me). Still I do not care because now Carl is holding my hand. Hurray the cute guy I have been staring at for months is finally holding my hand. Everyone is laughing and talking and having a good time. Now that I think of it the windows in the car were shut and I was probably getting high off the second hand smoke!! It starts to get late and our driver starts up the car again but also decides to light up another doobie. We are riding along and all of a sudden we hear the siren and see the lights flashing behind us. We are being pulled over by the popo! I remember thinking, “Oh my God we’re going to jail and my parents are going to kill me”! Our driver and supplier of the weed pulls over. Instead of rolling the window down and having all the smoke and the undeniable smell come wafting out, he calmly gets out of the car and shuts the door. The three of us in the car are freaking out, especially me. I am making a lot of deals with God at this point. God if you get us out of this I promise to never be mean to my sister again. God if you get us out of this I promise never to get in the car with a bunch of guys smoking pot ever again. God if you get us out of this I promise to never go out with Carl again. On and on my promises go and finally our driver gets back in the car. Someway, somehow God was listening or else it was just sheer good luck but our driver KNEW the cop. He had dated the driver’s sister in the past. The police officer said he stopped us because there was a report of some kids in the area driving by throwing rocks. He let us go!!! The prude was so overjoyed that she let Carl walk her to her door and kiss her. It was one of the best and scariest nights of her life.
Monday, June 22, 2009
Super Snooper Stories
Monica Gallagly Camunez – June 21, 2009
When my children were little they loved when I’d tell them the Super Snooper Stories. When I was about 7 years old my father brought home a puppy. A cute, adorable little dachshund that we named Snooper. As he grew up it became quite obvious that in spite of his cuteness, he was a fighter, hunter and terrorist. We could not have any other pets in our house because he would kill them all! He had a very jealous and territorial nature. He viciously bit my youngest sister on the hand when she was a toddler, two Christmas Eve’s in a row, requiring a trip to the ER and stitches. Snooper was just a jealous “bitch” of anything small, cute and got the attention he thought he so rightly deserved. (I know he was a male dog but he acted like a bitch)! My sister was the cute baby and was getting more attention than him so “chomp”! Another fond memory I have of Snooper is when we had hamsters. One of them got out of his hamster home and without us knowing, Snooper gobbled it up. My grandmother was visiting us at the time. I vividly recall her standing in our TV room and Snooper went up to her and promptly vomited the hamster on her foot. My grandmother was in the wrong place at the wrong time where our pets were concerned. We also had some pet turtles during one of her visits. One of the turtles got loose from its turtle terrarium (very bad pet security as you will see throughout this story). Grandma is walking across our floor, steps on the loose turtle and its head shoots out, popping out of its shell. This and the hamster regurgitation resulted in much shrieking and pandemonium in our home! God, projectile hamster and turtles – what next? Not good odds for small pets or children in our house! Snooper terrorized many a mail man and thought our home, yard and street was his kingdom. He chased everyone and everything - cars, people walking, people on bikes and motorcycles (back before the leash laws)! One day Snooper was hit by a guy riding his motorcycle down our street. Snooper was rushed to the vet who put a pin in his broken hip! Soon after he recovered from his hip surgery, Snooper had to test out his hip and kick boxing technique. He had a run in with a neighbor’s very large cat! The hip surgery slowed him down a bit during this scuffle with the large Tabby! He had been a very fast runner for someone with such short little legs! People walking by our house or riding bikes were always shocked at the speed that he could chase them! Snooper did not fare well in this scuffle and the cat practically ripped his ear off! Snooper was rushed to the vet to have his dangling floppy ear sewn back on. This same neighbor was given Snooper to look after when our family went away on a trip one summer. When we came home we heard that Snooper had followed the neighbor up into her attic while she was showing a repairman something in the attic. She apparently had no idea Snooper was in the attic and closed the door and he was trapped! Snooper was left a prisoner in her very hot Florida attic. I imagine he barked and barked but the attic was on the third floor of a very big house. Snooper being the “never say die” fighter that he was, took matters into his own hands! Somehow he managed to smash himself thru her attic window! Fortunately for him there was an awning directly over her front porch that saved his fall. People passing by her house looked up and saw this little dog barking and bleeding on her awning. The neighbor was alerted and another trip to the vet for removal of glass shards and stitches were required! When we got home we were told the tale and that it was our fault for having such a crazy dog! Better crazy with a strong will to survive than a baked wiener in the attic or splattered one on the sidewalk! He was like a cat in that he had many lives and close calls with death. At one time we had some rat poison in our garage. Not sure why because the only rats I ever saw were the ones my brother had as pets, that were kept in a cage in our garage. Yuck! I hate rats and why have them as pets?? Our washer and dryer were also kept in the garage. I had to go into the garage one day to get some clothes. I casually looked over at the rat cage and had the most digusting experience of seeing that the mother rat had eaten off the heads of her babies!!! Ugh…But I digress….back to Snooper and the rat poison. Snooper found the rat poison and ate enough, according to the vet, to kill three humans! He had to have his stomach pumped and miraculously survived this toxic snack. When I was in junior high I had an albino parakeet named Snowy. She too was killed by this vicious hunter! I came home one day from school (after I had forgotten to lock Snowy’s cage) and was told by my Mother that Snowy was deceased. Snowy longing to fly free, escaped her safe abode. As soon as she flew close to the ground the hunter swooped in for the kill. I cried and was not a big Snooper fan after that murderous event! Snooper was also fond of killing multiple lizards, squirrels, bunnies and other creatures that roamed our yard and left them at the back porch for my mother to find. He attacked and killed any animal or pet that came into our home or his path – even my sister’s kitten. She kept the kitten in her room and one day someone did not close the bedroom door. Well that was the end of the poor kitten. I have often wondered why we kept this homicidal maniac in our home after all these killings. Finally enough was enough and it was time for Snooper for have a new home! My brother was in college in Gainesville and took Snooper to live with him. Near my brother’s house there was a big lake thought to have a Gator in it (no not a drunken college student but a real live alligator). Snooper liked to roam around the neighborhood searching for his next snack or victim. By this point, Snooper was getting older and not a fast runner, like he was in his younger days. Snooper sauntered out one sunny day in Gator land and never returned. Gator bait?!? We will never know for sure but I guess there is some truth to the old saying, “what goes around comes around”.
When my children were little they loved when I’d tell them the Super Snooper Stories. When I was about 7 years old my father brought home a puppy. A cute, adorable little dachshund that we named Snooper. As he grew up it became quite obvious that in spite of his cuteness, he was a fighter, hunter and terrorist. We could not have any other pets in our house because he would kill them all! He had a very jealous and territorial nature. He viciously bit my youngest sister on the hand when she was a toddler, two Christmas Eve’s in a row, requiring a trip to the ER and stitches. Snooper was just a jealous “bitch” of anything small, cute and got the attention he thought he so rightly deserved. (I know he was a male dog but he acted like a bitch)! My sister was the cute baby and was getting more attention than him so “chomp”! Another fond memory I have of Snooper is when we had hamsters. One of them got out of his hamster home and without us knowing, Snooper gobbled it up. My grandmother was visiting us at the time. I vividly recall her standing in our TV room and Snooper went up to her and promptly vomited the hamster on her foot. My grandmother was in the wrong place at the wrong time where our pets were concerned. We also had some pet turtles during one of her visits. One of the turtles got loose from its turtle terrarium (very bad pet security as you will see throughout this story). Grandma is walking across our floor, steps on the loose turtle and its head shoots out, popping out of its shell. This and the hamster regurgitation resulted in much shrieking and pandemonium in our home! God, projectile hamster and turtles – what next? Not good odds for small pets or children in our house! Snooper terrorized many a mail man and thought our home, yard and street was his kingdom. He chased everyone and everything - cars, people walking, people on bikes and motorcycles (back before the leash laws)! One day Snooper was hit by a guy riding his motorcycle down our street. Snooper was rushed to the vet who put a pin in his broken hip! Soon after he recovered from his hip surgery, Snooper had to test out his hip and kick boxing technique. He had a run in with a neighbor’s very large cat! The hip surgery slowed him down a bit during this scuffle with the large Tabby! He had been a very fast runner for someone with such short little legs! People walking by our house or riding bikes were always shocked at the speed that he could chase them! Snooper did not fare well in this scuffle and the cat practically ripped his ear off! Snooper was rushed to the vet to have his dangling floppy ear sewn back on. This same neighbor was given Snooper to look after when our family went away on a trip one summer. When we came home we heard that Snooper had followed the neighbor up into her attic while she was showing a repairman something in the attic. She apparently had no idea Snooper was in the attic and closed the door and he was trapped! Snooper was left a prisoner in her very hot Florida attic. I imagine he barked and barked but the attic was on the third floor of a very big house. Snooper being the “never say die” fighter that he was, took matters into his own hands! Somehow he managed to smash himself thru her attic window! Fortunately for him there was an awning directly over her front porch that saved his fall. People passing by her house looked up and saw this little dog barking and bleeding on her awning. The neighbor was alerted and another trip to the vet for removal of glass shards and stitches were required! When we got home we were told the tale and that it was our fault for having such a crazy dog! Better crazy with a strong will to survive than a baked wiener in the attic or splattered one on the sidewalk! He was like a cat in that he had many lives and close calls with death. At one time we had some rat poison in our garage. Not sure why because the only rats I ever saw were the ones my brother had as pets, that were kept in a cage in our garage. Yuck! I hate rats and why have them as pets?? Our washer and dryer were also kept in the garage. I had to go into the garage one day to get some clothes. I casually looked over at the rat cage and had the most digusting experience of seeing that the mother rat had eaten off the heads of her babies!!! Ugh…But I digress….back to Snooper and the rat poison. Snooper found the rat poison and ate enough, according to the vet, to kill three humans! He had to have his stomach pumped and miraculously survived this toxic snack. When I was in junior high I had an albino parakeet named Snowy. She too was killed by this vicious hunter! I came home one day from school (after I had forgotten to lock Snowy’s cage) and was told by my Mother that Snowy was deceased. Snowy longing to fly free, escaped her safe abode. As soon as she flew close to the ground the hunter swooped in for the kill. I cried and was not a big Snooper fan after that murderous event! Snooper was also fond of killing multiple lizards, squirrels, bunnies and other creatures that roamed our yard and left them at the back porch for my mother to find. He attacked and killed any animal or pet that came into our home or his path – even my sister’s kitten. She kept the kitten in her room and one day someone did not close the bedroom door. Well that was the end of the poor kitten. I have often wondered why we kept this homicidal maniac in our home after all these killings. Finally enough was enough and it was time for Snooper for have a new home! My brother was in college in Gainesville and took Snooper to live with him. Near my brother’s house there was a big lake thought to have a Gator in it (no not a drunken college student but a real live alligator). Snooper liked to roam around the neighborhood searching for his next snack or victim. By this point, Snooper was getting older and not a fast runner, like he was in his younger days. Snooper sauntered out one sunny day in Gator land and never returned. Gator bait?!? We will never know for sure but I guess there is some truth to the old saying, “what goes around comes around”.
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