Stepping out into the real world after college was a real eye opener. I move up to the Washington D.C. area and don’t know anyone my age. I start looking for a job and it’s quite frustrating. I am living with my grandmother. I end up going with a headhunting agency who lines up the Old Spice interview. The guy who gets me the interview is Bob. Bob is a little nerdy but he’s around my age and we become friends. He had me go on many other interviews but the Old Spice job is the best and I take it. Bob and I go out for a celebratory drink. We stay in touch and end up hanging out together from time to time.
I decide it’s time to move out of grandma’s house and into a place with some girls my age. I look in the paper and see an ad for a townhouse in Old Town Alexandria that needs a roommate. I go and meet the other two women that live there and they seem nice. After talking with them I decide to move in.
Gabrielle owns the townhouse and manages a toy store in D.C. Susan, the other roommate is an accountant and very quiet and low key. Susan has a boyfriend and Gabrielle says she hasn’t been on a date in a year. I now know three people my own age and think I’m off to a good start. Meanwhile I have been having a long distance relationship with Brian, my boyfriend from college. He has moved to Texas and we see each other about once a month. The last time I fly out to see him he asks me to marry him. I accept and we are officially engaged.
The roommates and I seem to get along pretty well. Bob, the headhunter calls me quite a bit and we have some lengthy conversations. Bob and I go out to eat one night and during dinner he tells me that as soon as he saw me it was love at first sight. I tell Bob that is really flattering but he knows I am engaged to Brian. Bob decides to pour out his heart and tells me he told my new boss at Old Spice, “even though Monica is coming to work for you I am going to marry her someday”. I think to myself, “Gosh Bob have you been watching too many chick flicks”. Bob is not my type! Oh I know some of you are thinking, “I thought you said you didn’t have a type in your last blog Monica”. Yes that is true but Bob could never be more than a friend, even if I wasn’t engaged! Bob professes that he won’t give up on convincing me even if that means being my friend “for now”. I feel bad for the guy because he did help me get a good job. So……
I decide to hook up Bob with my roommate Gabrielle! She works very long hours in the toy store and can’t meet anyone there. I tell her about Bob and she says she would like to meet him. I invite Bob over for dinner one night. I make a splendid eggplant parm and have some good Chianti. Susan and her boyfriend are there, along with me, Gabrielle and Bob. It’s a real grownup dinner party! Conversation is flowing and suddenly its apparent Gabrielle likes Bob! Susan and her boyfriend leave us and now it’s just the three of us. I decide to leave the two of them alone and that will be the best way to see if Bob likes Gabrielle. I make some excuse and leave them at the dinner table. The next morning I see Gabrielle and she is so happy. She says that Bob stayed for quite a while and that they really hit it off! I am so happy because I’ve pawned off Bob onto Gabrielle! Yea! Win Win situation! Wrong!
Gabrielle likes Bob a lot but he is still not quite on her team. A week goes by and he hasn’t called her since the night of the dinner party. Gabrielle decides to have a big New Years Eve party and invites Bob. My fiancée, Brian flies in for this and we are having a great time. The party is a rocking and a rolling. It looks like Gabrielle is hanging all over Bob and he is finally starting to warm up to her. Brian and I leave the party in full swing around 2 am. When I get up the next morning I have to take Brian to the airport. I get home after that and who do I see downstairs sitting at our kitchen table eating breakfast in his boxers but BOB! Gabrielle comes waltzing out of the kitchen in some Fredericks of Hollywood teddy and they start kissing. I am happy they like each other but good grief! Talk about putting it on fast forward! Well they are laughing and telling me thank you for introducing them. I say “you’re welcome and that’s great you’ve hit it off”! Bob says, “Oh no Monica it’s much more than that, Gabrielle is my soul mate”. I smile but inside am thinking, “Good grief what a nutcase”.
Up till now the roommates and I have gotten along pretty well. I have lived with girls in college before and it’s kinda comforting to have friends around. It’s nice because you can just be yourself – walk around in your undies, no makeup, hair a mess and eat meals and watch TV together. Gabrielle works a lot so she is not around much. Susan’s boyfriend has his own place and she goes over there a few nights a week. A lot of the time I have the house all to myself. I enjoy that and it’s the best of both worlds.
Well not for long! Shortly after the NY Eve night of romance for Bob and Gabrielle they both start to lose their minds! Bob is at the house every night! I talk to Susan about this and she says Bob has moved his stuff in Gabrielle’s room and is now living in the house! Wait a minute! I did not sign up for this when I moved in with two female roommates or when I decided to play matchmaker! Bob is not paying any rent, utilities, nada. I have stopped buying food because he eats it all. Bob’s stuff is all over the house! I mention all this to Gabrielle and she says, “It’s my house and Bob can do whatever he wants”. There is really no talking to her at this point so I just try and stay out of their way.
I am in sales so I work out of the house. I make phone calls and do all my paperwork here. I am used to Gabrielle and Susan being gone and the house being nice and quiet. Ha! One day I get up and notice that Bob has not left for work. I think he must be sick and don’t say anything. The next day I am home working, come downstairs in my nightgown and see Bob sitting on the couch. Yikes! I run upstairs, throw on some sweats and ask him, “Are you sick?” He tells me he has gotten fired from his job! He is now a permanent fixture in the house and is happily collecting unemployment. The man who made a living finding other people jobs, is not even trying to find a job! When I mention this to him he says, “I don’t have to work Gabrielle makes enough money for both of us”! I try to talk to him and tell him this is not right for him to be living here like this. He says, “Too bad I’m here and it’s Gabrielle’s house”. Bob now sits around all day in his boxers watching soap operas, eating, farting and generally being disgusting. The minute Gabrielle gets home they run upstairs to her bedroom and Barry White starts blasting through the closed door. Who would have known that the guy who helped me get my first job out of college who become the unwanted roommate from hell!
I go out and make my sales calls but it is winter in the D.C. area and a very snowy one this year. One day I venture out on the road and it’s very icy. I get on the Beltway and suddenly I start to slide on the ice and spin around. The next thing you know I am facing the other direction with a big Mack truck coming directly at me. Thank goodness no one else was in the other lane and I manage to move over before it slammed into me. I somehow turn myself around and am shaking. I decide this is not the best day for a girl from Florida to be driving on icy roads and head home. When I get home I discover not only is Bob home during the middle of the day but so is Gabrielle. I say to her, “what are you doing home?” She informs me that she too has gotten fired from her job. Oh my effing God, you’ve got to be kidding me! Now they are both home 24/7 and disgustingly doing their PDA all over the house. They both have gotten fired probably because they have stayed up late every night since he’s moved in drinking and screwing all night long. The trash can has been overflowing with beer and wine bottles. Gabrielle’s liquor cabinet has been quickly depleted. And unfortunately my bedroom was right next to theirs, the walls are thin and Barry and other noises have been quite loud. Bob’s job caught on pretty quickly to the fact that he was consistently late, hung over and not performing (well not at work). Gabrielle being store manager was able to hide the fact a little longer but eventually the owner caught on and fired her.
Gabrielle says its okay she was fired because she and Bob are going to renovate the house. She has gotten a substantial sum as severance and she is going to use it to redo her house. Can you tell where this is going? Bang, bang, crash, crash, “ooh ahhh”, bang, bang, crash, crash at all hours of the night. There is tile ripped up, carpet ripped up and an entire wall decimated.
When Susan gets home from work I tell her we have to talk about what’s going on. She has been spending more and more time at her boyfriend’s house to escape the insanity. She is also unhappy with this extra roommate we have acquired and the fact that they have both lost their minds and their jobs. Not to mention we are now living in a construction zone. Susan and I try to talk to Gabrielle alone about this situation. She tells us, “Anything you say to me, you have to say it in front of Bob”. So we talk to her with him sitting there. We let her know this is not what we signed up for when we agreed to live in the house. We let her know we are not happy he is not paying anything towards staying in the house. We let her know how uncomfortable we are with him here. We let her know that our privacy and peace and quiet is gone, as well as our food! Gabrielle says nothing but Bob starts ranting and raving about his right to be in the house. He really pisses me off when he says, “Monica you are just jealous because I am with Gabrielle”. I swallow a mini throw up and call him a “chicken shit” and other choice phrases. Susan comes and grabs me and says, “Let’s call my brother”. Susan’s brother is a Catholic priest. I say to her, “okay” but am thinking what the heck is a priest going to do in this situation? Say a Hail Mary or two and douse them in holy water? Susan calls him and tells him of our dilemma. Susan’s priest/brother gets in his car, picks us up and takes us to see a Star Wars movie. After that we head out to get ice cream and by now I have calmed down. He tells us we don’t have to continue living in this situation. I find out that in addition to being a priest he is also a lawyer. Oh! Now I start to see the light! He let’s us know Gabrielle has breached her rental agreement with us by having Brian move in. So Susan and I decide to start looking for another place to live.
We are on our quest for a new home and don’t say a word to Gabrielle. We find a nice condo and make plans for our move. Now we have to tell her we are moving out and she is quite irate. She tells we can’t do this and are breaking our agreement. We let her know she broke the agreement by having Bob move in with us. She still keeps saying we can’t move out right now. Susan pulls out her trump card. She says, “My brother told us we could”. Gabrielle does not know the priest is also a lawyer until this moment. We tell her we are moving out this weekend.
The day of the move Gabrielle is screaming at us that we still can’t do this. She runs in my room and takes my telephone. Finally the priest shows up with some of his “brothers”. Other priests who have volunteered to help Susan and I move. We start loading our stuff into the St. Vincent de Paul truck and finally everything is moved except for the stolen phone. I tell Susan’s brother that she has taken my phone. He goes in and asks her for my phone. She looks at him and says, “Here’s her goddamn phone”. He says, “God bless you” and we leave. The priests move us into our new place and her brother buys us all pizza. That night I have my first good night sleep in weeks. Peace and quiet never felt so good.