Suicide is not an option!

In my other career before Fun Fashions I was a MSW – Social worker and psychotherapist in private practice. I wanted to help everyone and pretty much tried to do that until I burnt myself out. I also wanted to combine traditional psychotherapy with spirituality but didn’t know how to do that. Now I see there are ways to do that and help people without dredging up the past and staying in the past. I had many therapists do that with me and I think that at times it did more harm than good. I stayed in the anger and the abuse for far too long and it really took its toll.
I was a good Social worker in that I helped people with finding resources in the community. I helped counsel many caregivers of the elderly and gave them hope. I gave comfort and guidance to many but always felt like there was more that needed to be done. I was at a loss to help some people with traditional therapy and got very frustrated and left the profession.
People have asked me if I regret going back to school and getting my Masters degree in studying human behavior. I do not regret it at all and learned many things about myself and others. It was during this time when I was in grad school that I started seeing a therapist who was recommended to me. I then realized or was led to believe that I was pretty messed up!
I stayed far too long in the horrible time of reliving abuse by going thru experiential therapy that made me continually relive this. What a trap and money maker that is for many therapists! I had flashbacks and panic attacks during this time and had to sleep with the light on. When my son was very small I considered suicide as an option. I had just gotten a divorce and was being flooded with painful memories of my childhood. I was on the phone with the therapist late at night and my son was the only reason I did not actually try to kill myself. Instead I voluntarily checked myself into Fair Oaks psychiatric hospital for 4-5 days. Prior to this I was also constantly sick with colds, flu and all kind of things. At one point I went to my doctor and asked for an antidepressant. He told me I was making a federal case out of a cold and to just go exercise. The next day I was at the post office mailing something and collapsed. I could not walk because some type of infection had spread into my hips and pelvis. An ambulance came and carried me to the ER. They gave me some shots, a prescription. crutches and set me home. For many weeks after this I contemplated suicide on a daily basis but told someone and checked into Fair Oaks. When I got checked in I looked around at the people there and said, “Oh shit I have made a big mistake” and told them I wanted to leave. They said well you have checked in now and we are obligated to evaluate you and keep you here for a few days. I saw a psychiatrist who put me on an antidepressant and told me to go to groups but that I didn’t have to if I didn’t want to. I didn’t want to and instead mostly stayed in my room and cried for 5 days straight. I did go to the cafeteria and befriended an 80 year old woman who no one knew why she was so depressed and had tried to kill herself. This one mental health tech would come by and see me in my hospital room and said, “You’ll be okay and someday you will help people. One day I ventured into the cafeteria to eat their horrible food and I started talking to this 80+ year old woman. She had told no one there why she tried to kill herself but for some reason decided to tell me. She had never been married but came close once but he was killed in a war. So she grieved him for many years and never married. Fast forward to her living in a senior retirement community and starts dating a man there who she really likes. He takes her on a cruise and they sleep together. She falls in love with him during the cruise and when they return he doesn’t call her. She is so upset and feels stupid and used (because she had sex with him) that she attempts suicide (if memory serves she was an 80 y/o virgin before the cruise)!
A neighbor stopped by and found her and she was rushed to the hospital. She had been in the hospital for a week and had not told anyone the reason but for some reason ended up telling me the whole story. I tell one of the therapists there about the boyfriend and they call him. Turns out he got very sick with the flu when they returned from the cruise and couldn’t get out of bed. The next day he comes to the hospital and tells her he loves her. Shows you that people are people at any age have the same issues we all do. It was so sweet to see him show up at the hospital, holding her hand and being there for her.
I stayed on Zoloft for six months until I was stable and then weaned off. I remember being afraid that I would have to be on an anti depressant for the rest of my life. That has not been the case but there have been times that I have still suffered from situational depression and have used an antidepressant as a shock absorber. Each person is different and it depends on the person and the situation. I don’t believe in severe emotional suffering to the point that you consider suicide as an option. I wish I would have recognized the signs with my mother.
My mother had open heart surgery and a triple bypass and became so depressed that she took her own life 7 weeks later. Her brother was dying from prostate cancer and she was very distraught over this. I got the call that he had died and kept calling her to check on her. She didn’t answer and her mailbox was full. It was the day of my daughter’s birthday party but I felt like I had to go check on my mother. Driving there I think I knew something was very wrong. When I got there her car was there and she wasn’t answering the door. I didn’t have the key to her place so called my brother who was going to send my sister over. I had not seen or talked to my sister in 10 years. I was trying to decide if I should wait for her or not, when all of a sudden a very loud voice (in my head) said “Go to the car”. I went to my mother’s car and her keys were on the dashboard. The car door was unlocked and it felt like the keys had been waiting for me. I opened the door and there found my mother lying naked on the ground. It was very apparent she had killed herself because she was situated on the hallway with a pillow under her head. She had put herself in a place that when I walked in the front door, there she was. The police came and agreed that she had taken her life. Later however a new crew of police showed up and I learned that if it was a suicide that the city or county would have to pay for the autopsy. Suddenly her death was declared a heart attack but there were so many signs that she had taken her own life. My siblings (especially my brother) wanted to have an autopsy because the police had changed their story. I finally talked my brother into not doing it because I knew what the findings would be.
Having someone that you love take their life is probably one of the cruelest things someone can do to their children, parent, loved one or friend. It is a scar that will never completely heal or go away. I look back and see the signs that she was unhappy and was giving all her possessions away. Someone said recently at a conference I went to that you can’t stop someone who has made up their mind to kill themselves. I still am not sure about that and hope that my story touches someone who may have any thoughts of suicide as an option. My mother should have been on an antidepressant and also getting therapy. I argued with the hospital when she was discharged because I wanted her to go to a rehab facility where she would have gotten physical and psychological therapy. One moment they said she was not walking and functioning like she should and the doctor was yelling at her one day. He told her she had given up (I think she had) and guilted her into walking the hallway. Then because she did that she was labeled too high functioning for rehab. WTF! I was ignorant unfortunately to this whole process and wish I would have been more of an advocate for her.
If you think someone is having suicidal thoughts don’t delay in talking to them. Don’t make them feel guilty if they need some additional help and perhaps anti depressant medication. I see many people out there making many people feel guilty if they need this temporarily or in some cases long term. Yes of course medications are overused but in many cases they do save lives. I don’t believe in them as band aids or for children BUT they can save lives.
Always remember that suicide is not an option. In recent times I have learned of many people who have taken their lives. Somehow they don’t tell anyone and give up leaving behind children, spouses, parents, sibling and friends. The damage that this causes to those left behind is sometimes insurmountable.
Suicide has always been considered a taboo subject. People are afraid to talk about it but when we talk about something it loses its power. The Catholic Church and other religions consider it a sin. Other people say that if you kill yourself you come back in an even worse karmic form. I don’t believe that. I think people are just very desperate in their lives and want to escape. We have to start speaking out and being there for each other. Kellie Kuecha recently did the I CAN SUCCEED conference because of a call from God to reach out to people who were feeling desperate. Kellie had her lives and friends of hers touched by suicide. Someone on Facebook said that even if Kellie’s conference it helped one person to realize that suicide is NOT an option, than it was worth it. As someone whose life has been directly affected by suicide, I completely agree. Please remember there are resources and options out there to help you. If you see someone who you think might be contemplating suicide – talk to them! Ask them how they are feeling. So many people are afraid to “get involved” or feel like their lives are too full or busy. When someone starts to go over to that way of thinking a kind word or deed can make a big difference. I don’t have any regrets in life except that I wish I could have changed the last words I said to my mother. I would have told her I loved her and stopped and listened to her frantic cry, instead of saying I was too busy working to talk to her.