A New Attitude

Did you ever look at yourself and your life and go “WTH” or “What was I thinking”? Life has a way of sucking you in to its madness if you let it – that is why I never watch the news. We have to realize what we let into our psyche affects everything. I have also gotten sucked in by other people’s opinions and stories. Sometimes I have wanted their approval or didn’t want their disapproval so I somehow have let myself be led and make decisions I quickly regret. However when I step back from it all as the observer, I realize that I don’t want their approval and don’t have ANY regrets. It was part of my journey and now my journey has shifted and I’m on a different path. I am simplifying my life and following my heart and not my head. I have been very unhappy with the whole process of trying to build something that is not ME and that my heart is not in. Instead I am now going to unshackle and accept myself. I am downsizing, reprioritizing and realizing what’s really important. I don’t need a website (that is not making money and others criticize) and will be letting go of mine soon. Plus I can post things on my Facebook business page for free! I don’t need a traditional store front that costs way too much, makes me have to inflate my prices and did I ever tell you I loathe traditional retail? I would rather watch paint dry than sit in a store hoping someone comes in to not only buy something but give a cursory nod of approval in my vicinity. Yuck! I have learned this by experimenting with a little space inside a local business. It has had its pros and cons and while I have not used it much it has been by appointment only and definitely a worthwhile experiment in my learning process.
I will no longer listen to others view or visions for my business because by doing that I realize I have gotten very far away from my soul’s purpose. Actually taking this path AWAY has led me directly to what my passion is and that is writing. Starting to write a “fashion” blog unleashed the dormant writer in me. So I wrote a couple of fashion blogs, reaching far into the inner depths of my fashionista but realizing how shallow and superficial it all seems. After writing a couple of those I decided to write something completely different. Something that has been a theme in my life and unfortunately others lives lately and that is Suicide. I wrote the suicide blog and put it out there about my own direct personal experience. I found that one the most fulfilling because it was real and not about selling stuff. I also realize that nothing is taboo to write about (although my family has shunned me since 2009 for writing a paragraph in a blog that said both my parents drank too much and were alcoholics – more on this in an upcoming blog). I have since written another fashion blog but once again how much can you possibly really say about clothes? Maybe a lot some people in the fashion world would say, but to me it’s just superficial blah blah blah and nothing with any depth. I love clothes, enjoy wearing them but it’s kinda like sex – you can’t stay in the state of ecstasy for that long and eventually you take off your clothes. This then led me to a period of deep soul searching and a lingering melancholy about what I am doing with my life. I get my pure joy from doing this – writing. Fun Fashions pays the bills but has left me many times with an empty heart. I have listened to too many other people and spent too much money pursuing THEIR dream for Fun Fashions and started having a feeling of dread. It’s not my soul’s purpose whether or not someone wants to buy a frigging dress from me. I don’t want to be the next Cache or chic boutique. I started the jewelry fundraising business in 2003 and was so happy to work for myself and raise money for worthy causes. I added clothing and a website last year and parted ways with a very controlling and bullying supplier. I have had some good events and some crappy events. However the fundraising formula I originally started out with is by far the best. Spend my time doing fewer events but the ones that make me the most money. I find when I push too hard things are often blocked, accidents happen and things do NOT flow. When I relax and know I am being authentically ME, things flow and are manifested very quickly when I put them out there!
When I let go and trust I am able to write and pursue other avenues of income. I am also being more selective about where I put my time and energy. I am very passionate about bartering/trade for goods and services and am considering helping a friend with her business that does that.
So now landing on the other side of “What was I thinking” I realize to thine own self be true Monica. Who shives a git what others think! There are no rules and I am not receiving a grade on myself, my business, my writing or even my parenting (more on that in a later blog). Having this realization is so freeing! I am now not caught up in the “I need to be a _________ person or business”! I don’t have to be caught up in the latest and greatest social media. In fact I took the SMART out of my phone – I don’t need to be on Facebook and checking emails constantly – I need to be present and live. I was at a New Years Eve party this year and enjoying time with my boyfriend. He had left his phone in the car and I only had mine on me in case my daughter needed me. Yet I looked around and almost every single person in our group of around 20+ people (at this establishment) was busy texting, taking pictures or putting things on Facebook. People spent more time on their phones and taking pictures than actually being present and enjoying the party. Wow – what is that doing to interpersonal relationships….um maybe making them very impersonal? Technology is great but I am NOT letting it rule me – there is a time and a place for it and it can wait till I get home and fire up my laptop!
I am letting go of the materialistic way of SELL SELL SELL or BUY BUY BUY! As a friend once said, “your opinion of me is none of my business”. When I recently watched the movie “I AM” with my kids it hit home that here was someone who had so much STUFF, was uber successful and fortunately had an “accident” that changed his entire perspective. I had been feeling restless and unfulfilled like that prior to watching this documentary. In many ways “ I AM” hit the nail on the head for me. LOVE is the answer and that love starts with loving myself first.